Report: Unemployment High Because People Keep Blowing Their Job Interviews

WASHINGTON—With unemployment at its highest level in decades,
the U.S. Department of Labor issued a report Tuesday suggesting the
crisis is primarily the result of millions of Americans just completely
blowing their job interviews.

According to the findings, seven out of 10 Americans could have
landed their dream job last month if they had known where they see
themselves in five years, and the number of unemployed could be reduced
from 14.6 million to 5 million if everyone simply greeted potential
employers with firmer handshakes, maintained eye contact, and stopped
fiddling with their hair and face so much.

"This economy will not recover until job candidates learn how to put
their best foot forward," said Labor Secretary Hilda Solis, warning that
even a small increase in stuttering among applicants who are asked to
describe their weaknesses could cause the entire labor market to
collapse. "If we're going to dig ourselves out of this mess, Americans
need to stop wearing blue jeans to interviews, even if they're nice blue
jeans, and even if that particular office happens to have a relaxed
dress code."

"They also need to start bringing extra copies of their resumés, as
it will show they are prepared and serious," Solis added. "And, by the
way, how hard is it to send a hand-written thank-you note afterward?
Anyone can dash off an e-mail."

A federal survey of employers found that nearly half of job-seeking
Americans botched their interviews by responding no when asked, "So, do
you have any questions for me?" Among candidates strongly qualified to
perform the jobs they were applying for, 36 percent didn't bring a
notepad or pen to the interview, and 16 percent were thrown off guard
when the interviewer broached topics unrelated to work, such as the
weather, sports, or personal hobbies.

Twelve percent, employers said, did this kind of nervous
throat-clearing thing.

"If applicants would just say yes when asked if they played softball
or liked golf, we could add 350,000 jobs to the private sector," Deputy
Labor Secretary Seth Harris said. "The fact is, right now, today,
approximately a third of the country's manufacturing positions are
vacant. Auto plants across the country, especially in Detroit, are
sitting there just waiting for people to come in and build cars."

"You may be a qualified candidate, but none of that matters if you
walk into that interview lacking confidence," he added. "Don't act too
confident, though. And don't joke around too much. And don't be overly
friendly or ask too many questions. But be yourself."

The Labor Department confirmed their statistics don't take into
account the estimated 20 million citizens who were unable to get
interiews in the first place because of formatting errors in their
resumés, or cover letters that slightly exceeded one page.

"At this point, hiring someone who doesn't use bulleted lists, strong
action verbs, or boldfaced keywords is completely out of the question,"
said public relations executive Max Werner, who has been looking for
office managers and a CFO since 2008. "And if you're going to end your
cover letter with 'best wishes' instead of 'sincerely,' I don't care how
experienced you are—you won't be working for me."

President Obama, who last week signed a law extending unemployment
benefits, said the legislation would also address joblessness by
creating a $1.2 billion program aimed at training Americans to use firm
but approachable body language to make a great first impression.

"My administration remains fully committed to putting citizens back
to work by making sure they show up at least 15 minutes early to their
interview and never badmouth a previous boss," said Obama, flanked by
unemployed Americans during an address from the White House Rose Garden.
"Our new 'Nail the Interview, Score the Job' initiative will help
regular Americans like Paul and Tracy here remember that they should
prep ahead of time by learning a few things about the company they want
to work for."

"And that little things," he continued, "like making sure your socks
match, matter."