From AppleSeeds.org by Dave Barry

You will never find anybody who
can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe
day-light-savings
time.

You should never say anything to
a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless
you can
see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

The most powerful force in the
universe is gossip.

The one thing that unites all
human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status
or ethnic
background, is that, deep down inside we ALL believe that we are
above-average drivers.

There comes a time when you
should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your
birthday.
That time is age 111.

There is a very fine line between
“hobby” and “mental illness.”

People who want to share their
religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with
them.

If you had to identify, in one
word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will

achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”

The main accomplishment of almost
all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

If there really is a God who
created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides
to
deliver a message to humanity, He will NOT use, as His messenger, a
person
on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

You should not confuse your
career with your life.

A person who is nice to you, but
rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

No matter what happens, somebody
will find a way to take it too seriously.

When trouble arises and things
look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution
and is
willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

Your friends love you, anyway.

Nobody cares if you can’t dance
well. Just get up and do it.