Need to Laugh? Read these Job Hunting Tips

With the holiday weekend upon us, I wish you all some peace and relaxation.  I thought a good way to start might be with a little humor.  Enjoy these job hunting tips from the Onion. - Dan.

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Job-Hunting Tips

Today's job market is more competitive than ever. Here are some
tips to help give you the edge:

• Make sure your
  résumé is free of spelling and grammatical errors, grease stains,
  crumbs, blood splatters, and bits of hair and gristle.
  


• Be
  aggressive: Don't be afraid to call a potential employer every few hours
  and say, "Is there an opening yet? How 'bout now? How 'bout now? Now?"
  


• When
  waiting for a job interview and a fellow applicant is there, strike up a
  conversation. Then, when it's your turn to be interviewed, stand up and
  say, "See ya, sicko." Explain to the interviewer that he invited you to
  a goat-sex orgy.
  


• If you find the "Notable Achievements"
  section of your résumé lacking, consider listing the longest rat-tail
  you've ever grown.
  


• Avoid borrowing liberally from the plots
  of popular Tom Clancy and John LeCarré novels when describing previous
  job experiences.
  


• If you attended Harvard, Yale, or another
  prestigious Ivy League institution, don't bother noting this on your
  résumé. Or even creating a résumé at all. Just have one of the other
  assholes from your school get you a job.
  


• Be sure to
  pronounce résumé "REH-zoo-may," which means "a list of one's
  accomplishments and qualifications," and not like the word "resume,"
  which means "to unpause Resident Evil 3."
  


• After providing a
  contact number for your "former employer at Merrill Lynch," be sure to
  change your answering machine to say, "Hi, this is Merrill Lynch, we're
  not in right now."
  


• If, during an interview, you sense that
  they have detected one or more of the falsehoods in your résumé, throw a
  smoke bomb on the floor and escape in the ensuing confusion.
  


• When
  a job application asks you to list "Reason You Left Previous Job," make
  it clear you were not at fault. Write, "Boss was total Nazi."
  


• Have
  a long history of experience in the field you're applying for and
  glowing recommendations. Either that, or print your résumé on really
  nice, heavyweight ivory paper.
  


• Being state archery champion
  is impressive, indeed. But Hardee's is more interested in knowing if
  you're intelligent enough to avoid deep-frying your hands.
  


• Post
  your résumé online. This will give it an air of authority and
  legitimacy that only the Internet can confer.
  


• When writing a
  cover letter to a prospective employer, stress that, although you used
  to admire their company, they totally suck now, but that if they hire
  you, you can help make them great again. That will definitely work.
  


• Don't
  be afraid to list "Cook County Correctional Facility" on your résumé.
  They could think maybe you worked there or something.