What about when you don't get the job?

Betsy,

You've highlighted a key point relating to the emotional lifecycle of a job seeker.  Let me lay it out and then give you some ideas on helping get your Groove back.

There are 8 world views for how people see the world.  They come in pairs and are:

1. Pleasure


2. Pain


3. Gain


4. Loss


5. Fame


6. Disrepute


7. Praise


8. Blame

Whenever we encounter anything, we all have an inclination to view it from one of these 8 views.  They group into attraction (pleasure, gain, fame, and praise) and aversion (loss, blame, disrepute, and pain).  Everything we encounter evokes these responses based on our past experience with the object.  So, when I hear about jobs at Google, I get excited (attraction) as that's a company I admire.  And, when I hear about jobs in Fast Food, I get repulsed (aversion) as I don't think I'd like to work in Fast Food.  The actual job has nothing to do with my view, but it has a very powerful influence on how I think of the opportunity.

As a job seeker in the unemployment bardo (transition), we are especially susceptible to these 8 world views.  Emotions tend to get magnified across all 8 views.  Negative feelings might include:

• the emotional pain due to changing conditions and feelings of self-worth, value, and relationships, 
  


• The loss of income, friends, routine, work habits, and recognition,


• Blame on the organization for letting you go or on yourself for not having seen it coming sooner and taken preventative actions, or for not having responded to opportunities differently,


• Feelings of disrepute as somene who may not be valued and important

Positive feelings also arise and are magnified, and may include:

• Pleasure from applying to jobs, getting a call from a recruiter, having a successful informational interview, following leads, responding well to a recruiter's questions, or helping others to make progress in their job search


• The gain from learning new habits, finding time to do things that you wanted to do, but couldn't because you were working, new friendships, and relationships that will endure


• Fame for being someone who makes a difference and is recognized as a leader in helping job seekers (as you are one whom others admire), and
  


• Praise from others and recruiters on your skills, talents, and value

All 8 views, however, eventually lead to suffering.  The example of your two hot prospects is an example of this phenomenon.  Hearing positive news after enduring the suffering from looking for a job tends to lift our spirits briefly.  If the news doesn't translate into what we want (a job), then it can become a source of great suffering. 

Even if the opportunity isn't right, we all want something positive to help reinforce our value and worth in the marketplace.  And, while not getting to the job offer may feel like a giant step back, as you said, it simply wasn't in the cards. As a result, however, 2 things have changed:  1.  You now have connections to recruiters and others from those companies, and 2. You learned something about yourself and what you want/don't want.  These are 2 benefits from the experience.  No, you didn't get the job, but you can never know where that will lead.  My wife, Sandy, would tell you that two of the worst mistakes I made in my life were taking bad jobs and keeping them for too long.  And she's right.

Remember, all of your market value:  your skills, knowledges and abilities are still present.  You are a bright, talented, resourceful, and helpful person.  You have great experience and will emerge with a great job.  Maybe today, maybe tomorrow.  Who knows?  You have friends, family, and opportunities. 

Don't be distracted by these emotions - none of the 8.  In all circumstances, inside yourself, be like a mountain - centered, patient, unswayed by the weather or changes on the outside, and always prepared to see an opportunity. 

It's been my direct experience that once one of the 8 views does take hold, it is too late to be like a mountain - the emotions already have their hold on my mind.  If I try to stop the emotions at that point, it only leads to more suffering.  The most I can do is acknowledge the feeling, try to be gentle with myself and my disappointment, create some space to briefly grieve, and then when there is room, to remember to practice being like a mountain.

Another helpful technique I've used in a time similar to what you describe is the Job Seeker Meditation.  Here's how it works:

1. Think of all the millions of others out there who have been "this close" to getting a job and then didn't.  Countless people have and are suffering from exact same situation as you.
   


2. Imagine, as you breathe in, that you are taking in all of their suffering and disappointments - you are absorbing all the suffering of all the people in a similar situation.  You should visualize this as black smoke coming in through your breath. 
   


3. When you have fully taken in your breath, imagine that black smoke dissolving and being replaced with white light. 
   


4. As you breathe out, imagine that white light radiating from you to all those other job seekers and wish that they might soon find good jobs and happiness. 
   

In that way, you are using your suffering as a way to be of benefit to others.  Does it really help them get jobs?  Maybe. Maybe not.  I'm not a mystic.  The point is that it may be helpful to you in your situation and might help you turn a problem into happiness, and orient your suffering as a way to benefit others.  In doing so, you will be helping yourself to get out of a negative habit and nurture positive ones.

Now, getting to getting your groove back.  Some questions:

1.  What are the 3 companies you want to work for in your area?

2.  Where are you with informational interviews with these companies?

3.  What could you do, right now, to help these companies make or save money?

The best thing that you are doing is asking the group to give you support, encouragement, and recommendations.  In creating the opportunities for others to help you, you are already on the path to getting your Groove back. 

There's several folks I'd look forward to introducing you to who are doing work in training and development.  Let's talk.  The Federal stimulus funding has billions tied to worker training programs.  I'd be happy to see if there's a way I might help you connect.

Best,
Dan.