Department Of Labor Spends $40 Billion To Create One Amazing New Job

May 18, 2009 | from the Onion

WASHINGTON-In an effort to stimulate
economic growth and boost the confidence of the American workforce, the
federal government has allocated $40 billion to create one unbelievably
mind-blowing new job, Labor Secretary Hilda Solis announced Monday.

The position, which will require the selected applicant to relocate
to a sprawling, white-sand-beach facility on St. John in the U.S.
Virgin Islands, will begin immediately after the employee is hired. In
addition to a $500,000 annual salary, Solis said that the job also
includes 12 weeks of paid vacation, a generous pension, bimonthly
bonuses for adequate attendance totaling more than $2 million a year, a
company rocket pack, and full health benefits.

"After carefully surveying the current employment landscape, it has
become evident that generating a single, incredible new job is the most
effective course of action," Solis said. "Rather than place 2 million
Americans in unfulfilling, dead-end careers, we feel that giving one
citizen the opportunity to contribute to the study of multiple orgasms
in a controlled hot-tub environment will ultimately yield the most
lasting change."

Solis stressed that the new job will "not be a handout," and that
the chosen worker will be expected to put in long hours riding a Jet
Ski while taste-testing a variety of new microbrewed craft beers.
Though the new employee will not report to an immediate superior, he or
she will be required to submit monthly progress reports pertaining to
an ongoing trampoline-and-bottle-rockets public works project.

Labor Secretary Solis

Solis also said that the required dress for the job will be "business casual."

According to a description the DOL posted on its official website
and Monster.com, the many demands of the new job will be balanced with
ample downtime. During the designated work hours of 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.,
the employee will be encouraged to take frequent breaks to watch Hulu
or discharge an M2 flamethrower whenever they feel it is necessary,
returning to work only at their own discretion.

"If the chosen applicant feels that unwrapping an endless series of
Christmas presents is becoming too overwhelming, then they can simply
take the rest of the day off and pick it up in the morning," the online
posting read.

By providing the new employee with state-of-the-art high-powered
concept cars to drive around while making large cash deposits in dozens
of untaxed savings accounts, researchers at the Labor Department hope
to aid both the struggling auto industry and the nation's failing
banks.

It is not yet clear which economic sectors will benefit most from the daily helicopter rides to and from work.

"This one job alone should generate several thousand temporary
administrative positions to process the nearly 100 million applications
we expect to receive," said Solis, whose own application was rejected
due to a conflict of interests. "And naturally, a team of
multidisciplined, highly attractive massage therapists will be working
directly under the chosen candidate."

Response to the new job amongst American workers has been generally
positive. Though many said they hold no illusions about landing the
coveted position, the mere fact that the unbelievable job exists has
been a source of comfort.

"I'm starting to think that everything is going to be all right,"
said recently laid-off steel worker Peter Trank of Pittsburgh, PA.
"Just knowing that someone will be out there determining the potential
applications of petting frisky black Labrador puppies while receiving
expert oral sex from an A-list celebrity, well, it gives me hope."

"America is back," Trank added.