Human Resource Humor

Thought you might need a lift after the holiday weekend!
Best, Dan.
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Courtesy of GreatWorkshops.com

"HR S P E A K"
--"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:" You'll be making under $7 an hour.
--"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:" You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
--"AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY:" We want you to get your hopes up, but there's no chance in heck we'll be the next Microsoft.
--"PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:" Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.
--"COMPETITIVE SALARY:" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
--"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:" We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
--"NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:" Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.
--"IMMEDIATE OPENING:" The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
--"SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:" We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
--"SELF-MOTIVATED:" Management won't answer questions
--"WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS:" After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.
--"PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS:" After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.
--"SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:"...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.
--"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
--"COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:" We have a lot of turnover.
--"EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.
--"JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:" We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
--"FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Your coworkers will be insulted if you don't drink with them.
--"A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:" We booze it up at company parties.
--"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
--"SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:" If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.
--"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:" Some time each night and some time each weekend.
--"SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k:" We'll offer you $22k to start.
--"A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION:" You'll give boring speeches on your own time.
--"FLEXIBLE HOURS:" Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
--"DUTIES WILL VARY:" Anyone in the office can boss you around.
--"WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED:" Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is.
--"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:" We have no quality control.
--"COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:" Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.
--"CAREER-MINDED:" Female Applicants must must be childless (and remain that way).
--"APPLY IN PERSON:" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
--"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
--"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:" You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
--"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:" You're walking into a company in perpetual, systemic chaos.
--"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
--"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.
--"ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:" You whine, you're fired.
--"ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY:" We loooooove brown-nosers.

Dr. Freeman's latest book

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APPLICANT SPEAK

--"I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:" I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
--"I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:" I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
--"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:" I've used Microsoft Office.
--"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:" I pilfer office supplies.
--"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:" I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
--"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:" I blame others for my mistakes.
--"I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED:" I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
--"I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:" I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
--"I'M PERSONABLE:" I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
--"I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:" As I have recently left San Quentin, anywhere's better.
--"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:" I carry a Day-Timer.
--"MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:" You're probably looking for someone more experienced.
--"I AM ADAPTABLE:" I've changed jobs a lot.
--"I AM ON THE GO:" I'm never at my desk.
--"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:" The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.
--"I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:" I'm a college drop-out.
--"I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:" I've been accused of sexual harassment.
--"THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:" Wait! Don't throw me away!
--"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:" Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me "for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career."

~ U N I Q U E D I V E R S I T Y I N I T I A T I V E ~

 

Put employees into a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them without any instruction and check back on them in two hours.

* If they have taken the table apart...
...assign them to engineering.
* If they are counting butts in the ashtray...
...put them in finance.
* If they are talking to the chairs...
...assign them to personnel.
* If they are sleeping...
...they are management material.
* If they do not notice when you walk in...
...place them in security.
* And if they have left early...
...put them in sales.

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SALARY NEGOTIATIONS

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of five-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50 percent of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

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QUOTES FOR HR PROFESSIONALS

I have one nerve left and you're getting on it.

To get where you're going, you must know where they're coming from!

Of course I don't do anything, I'm an idea man.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things, right now I am so far behind I will never die.

Are pay raises automatic here or do you have to work for them?

Personnel Director to job applicant: "Retirement Plan? I wouldn't worry about that, you'd be out of your mind to work here that long."

You can name your own salary here . . . I call mine "Fred"!

We're in one of those great historical periods that occur every 200 to 300 years when people don't understand the world anymore, when the past is not sufficient to explain the future. -- Peter Drucker

Of course I have "past experience." What other kind is there?

If you think communication is all talk, you have not been listening.

Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life.

A boss is someone who arrives at the office early whenever you are late, and is late when you are early

At every crossroads on the path that leads to the future, tradition has placed 10,000 men to guard the past. -- Materlink

I'm an equal opportunity employer, that's why I'm giving other employers your services.

Around here I have a responsible position . . . every time something goes wrong, I'm responsible.

The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out an employment application. -- Stanley J. Randall

You can't talk your way out of a problem you behaved your way into.

Words were given to man to enable him to conceal his true feelings. -- Voltaire

The things that are hardest for us to change are the things that have contributed to our present success.

Temper is what gets most of us in trouble. Pride is what keeps us there. -- Anonymous

PLEASE STAND BY...this presentation is being adjusted to match the experience level of the audience.

I'll agree to discuss it, if you'll agree to keep your mouth shut!!

I see your point of view, I just don't want to see it again.

I kept six honest serving men. They taught me all I knew. Their names are What and Why and When, and Where and How and Who. -- Rudyard Kipling

For things to change, first I must change.

At no time is self-control more difficult than in time of success.

I was qualified to be able to answer promptly - I said "I don't know."

Character doesn't build character - it exposes it.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

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Real Resume Quotes

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine.

"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."

"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."

"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."

"It's best for employer that I not work with people."

"Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."

"You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."

"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"Marital status: Single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail."

"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."

"Personal interest: Donating blood -- fourteen gallons so far."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

"Note: Please don't' misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."

"The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."

"References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

 

Courtesy of
THE FREEMAN INSTITUTE