How to use Positive Reframing

10-minute relationship therapy: give your enemy a little stroke.

 
- I saw this and thought it might be interesting to job seekers to consider - Dan.

By Dr David Burns from the Telegraph


Published: 7:00AM GMT 02 Nov 2009

Positive Reframing helps you think about conflict from a more positive perspective
Photo: NOEL HENDRICKSON

When you're annoyed with someone, you'll probably attribute negative motives
to him or her. You may tell yourself that the other person is being selfish,
lazy, or mean. These labels polarise the interaction and function as
self-fulfilling prophecies.

For example, if you tell your husband that he's being stubborn, he'll dig in
his heels and resist your suggestions. Of course, this is exactly what
you're accusing him of. Positive Reframing is a technique to help you view
the other person's motives and behaviour in a more positive light.

It is all about resisting the urge to go to war, and instead trying to think
about the conflict from a more positive perspective. If you can set your ego
aside, it becomes easier to see the other person's nasty or adversarial
behaviour in a more positive and flattering light. But that can be
challenging because it's so easy to feel hurt or threatened by what's
happening, so we all tend to get defensive. If you share this vision with
another person you're at odds with and convey respect, the positive impact
can be dramatic.

Go on, give your enemy a stroke...

Sometimes, all it takes is a little stroking to transform a relationship.
Imagine that your teenage son is angry and says: "You always try to run
my life! You're a control freak. Why don't you stop telling me what to do
all the time?" How would you respond, using Positive Reframing? Write
down your response on a separate piece of paper before you continue reading.

Obviously, there isn't any one correct answer. But here's mine. Your son has
just criticised you. He expects a fight, but you're reframing the
interaction as a chance to talk things out and develop greater
understanding. Many parents would get defensive and insist that they weren't
too controlling. If you respond this way, your son will feel even more
convinced that you are too controlling, because you're trying to force him
to view the situation from your perspective. Then things will spiral out of
control. He's invited you to battle, and you've taken the bait.

With Positive Reframing, you go in the opposite direction. You view the
conflict as a golden opportunity to develop a better relationship with your
son.

But how do you do this? You can tell your son that his feelings are important
to you, and that you love him. Instead of putting up a wall and insisting
that he's wrong, welcome his feelings, find some truth in his point of view,
and treat him with respect. You can invite him to open up and participate in
a more collaborative, mature, and loving relationship with you. Of course,
this isn't the way a "control freak" would react, so he'll
suddenly experience his relationship with you in a very different way.

* Extract taken from 'Feeling Good Together: The Secret to Making Troubled
Relationships Work' by Dr David Burns (Vermilion), which is available from
Telegraph Books for £10.99 + £1.25 p&p. To order, call 0844
871 1515 or visit books.telegraph.co.uk
Copyright © Dr David Burns 2008