You Drive Me Crazy: What Layoffs Do to a Marriage

• 
  

  From the Wall St Journal | Aug 11, 2009

  
  


• 
  

  By ELIZABETH BERNSTEIN

  
  

Ever since Izabela Raczynski-Bell was laid off from her human resources
position last December, she has tried to keep herself busy at home. She
job hunts, works on her house and garden, bakes dog biscuits using the
fresh herbs she's grown, and watches her village's board meetings on
cable TV.

By the time her husband comes home from work, she is desperate for
attention. "He doesn't even have time to decompress before I bombard
him with blah blah blah," says Ms. Raczynski-Bell, who lives in Mount
Prospect, Ill. "He gets updates that seven more blueberries ripened
today, the cantaloupe isn't doing so well, or one of the dogs lost a
whisker."

On particularly lonely days, Ms. Raczynski-Bell, 30 years old,
emails pictures of their pets to her husband at work. At night, she
begs him to stay up late and watch "Real Housewives of New Jersey" or
"NYC Prep." And on weekends, after being cooped up all week, she pleads
with him to go out with her, even if it's just to the grocery store.

"She's my best friend, so I feel an obligation to her," says Jason
Bell, 38, an operations support director for a water company. "But it's
a huge stress."

We've all heard the jokes: "Retirement means half as much money-and
twice as much spouse." "For better or worse-but not for lunch."
Generations of retirees have chuckled knowingly at them.

But now, thanks to the recession and the millions of layoffs it has
produced, many young couples far from retirement age are discovering
there's more than a little truth in the humor. When one spouse (or
both) stops working, the impact on the relationship can be profound.

Layoffs, of course, typically differ from retirement in several key
regards. They are sudden and beyond our control, for starters. Because
of this, psychologists say, the stress they put on a marriage or
significant relationship can be even greater than retirement.

Most obviously, a layoff brings financial worries about mortgages,
children and feeding the 401(k). When money is tight, couples-many of
whom plan their lives around two incomes-often argue, blaming each
other for things such as poor career management, insufficiently
rigorous job hunting or overspending.

Neal and Carole Meagher have been struggling with this for several
years. In 2000, Mr. Meagher, a golf-course designer, left the firm he
was working for and started his own business, based out of a home
office. The couple was counting on Ms. Meagher's salary as marketing
director for a technology firm to make ends meet.

But a little more than a year later, after the dot-com bust, Ms.
Meagher was laid off. She has worked on and off since then as a
consultant and adjunct professor. The spouses, who live in Pleasanton,
Calif., have spent many days at home together, each trying to drum up
work.

And they keep close tabs on each other. There have been times when
Ms. Meagher has gone for a run or taken a nap in the middle of the
afternoon-something she believes is integral to her creative
process-and her husband has accused her of not trying hard enough to
find a job. "I would tell her, ‘You didn't take a nap at work,' " Mr.
Meagher, 47, says. Ms. Meagher, for her part, has pestered her husband
about his business, nagging him to be more aggressive about calling
clients.

Marcellus Hall 

"Suddenly,
these issues-if I am napping or if Neal is reluctant to call a
client-are each other's issues," says Ms. Meagher, 43. "We had to learn
to trust each other."

Let's face it. Even during the best of times, it's a rare couple who
can handle being together 24/7. Everyone needs some alone time, and
it's hard to get everything you need emotionally from just one person,
even if he or she is the love of your life.

Clinging Like Mad

But experts say this is exactly what
people who have lost their jobs often try to do: turn to their spouses
or significant others-and cling like mad.

Why? Experts say that sometimes embarrassment over being laid off-or
a feeling of being out of step with everyone who is still working-makes
people pull back from their friends, family or former colleagues. The
only people they may feel comfortable with are the ones closest to them.

In addition to financial worries, a layoff can rock a relationship
in other, less evident but equally disruptive ways. Consider how
closely our identity is tied up with our careers. Because of this,
losing a job really messes with our sense of self. And this can lead to
depression or despair. That's hard enough for one person to deal with.
But moods can be contagious, especially among people whose fortunes are
tied together.

Just ask Lavoyed and Cheryl Hudgins. Almost 20 months ago, they both
lost their jobs working for Kentucky Gov. Ernie Fletcher after he was
voted out of office. (Mr. Hudgins was deputy commissioner of the
department of public protection; his wife was an executive assistant to
the first lady.) Ms. Hudgins, who also helps support her widowed
daughter and mother financially, quickly got a new job at an automotive
company, but was laid off again in May.

Now the spouses, who live in Lexington, Ky., are together all day
long. It mostly works out fine, they say, until Mr. Hudgins starts
feeling sorry for himself. "If I have one of my pessimistic moments and
start talking negatively about our situation, she will follow," he
says.

Here's an example: After receiving a rejection letter recently, Mr.
Hudgins, 56, began griping bitterly about it to his wife. Almost
immediately, she became agitated, jumping up from her seat, pacing the
floor and complaining.

"It hit me like a thunderbolt," Mr. Hudgins says. "We are spiraling
downward here, and I am the cause." He and his wife, who is 62, have
since made a pact that if one starts to complain, the other will
immediately put an end to it with an admonishment to look at the
upside. "But it's extremely hard-like training for a triathlon," he
says.

Although it isn't always easy, experts recommend that couples do
everything they can to keep the lines of communication open.
"Deliberately practice being supportive and validating," says Diana
Kirschner, a New York psychologist and author. "It's also called ‘being
nice.' "

But if someone is sitting home all day without a job, is it really
any wonder that he becomes stir crazy and needy? Couples dealing with
this must contend with the new structure to their days-or the lack of
it. Suddenly, one or both members is home with not much to do
(especially if they're trying not to spend money) and no one to do it
with. When they are talking to their friends, these pals are often
still working and, therefore, busy.

"All day, every day, I have no human contact," says Chris Hutchins,
25, who was laid off from his job at a management consulting firm in
San Francisco in December. Until a few weeks ago, his live-in
girlfriend, Amy Fox, worked for a company that provides litigation
support for law firms.

By the time she got home at night, Mr. Hutchins, who spent most days
in their apartment working on a Web site he launched for people who
have been laid off, was raring to go.

"I get home after I've been chewed out by several clients, had to
deal with my boss and had to schmooze more clients for drinks after
work, and Chris is there bouncing off the wall," says Ms. Fox, who is
24. "I would be so drained I would just want to sit down in a chair and
stare-and Chris would want to go rock climbing."

Her solution: candor. "I would say, ‘Chris, back up off me and get
out of this room,' " Ms. Fox says. He would, she would chill, and about
15 minutes later, she would go get him.

Mr. Hutchins and Ms. Fox have found an unconventional solution to
their dilemma. Figuring that they can travel in developing countries as
cheaply as they can live in San Francisco, Ms. Fox quit her job, and
the couple has just embarked on an around-the-world trip.

"Eight months, 24 hours a day, we'll be hanging out together-we
won't have a single bit of free time to be alone," Mr. Hutchins says.
"It should be interesting."

Write to
Elizabeth Bernstein at Bonds@wsj.com

Correction: In an earlier version of this story Chris Hutchins was mistakenly referred to as Mr. Fox in a subsequent reference.