Are we there yet? Four strategies to bring more happiness into your life

From MarketWatch  Jun 25, 2009

NEW YORK (MarketWatch) -- "The Gift of Happiness and Gratitude." The
first time I looked at that rather giddy title for a day-long session
for members of the Young Presidents Organization, I glossed over it.
Fluff. Not worth the time. Not for me, anyway.

But when I took a moment to pay more attention, one word hit home:
Happiness. Isn't that what everyone craves? Isn't that why we work so
hard? Educate ourselves? Try to make money? Have our families? Juggle
better than any professional juggler ever could?

Happiness is the key to so much of our daily lives. It not only affects
us, but also our spouses, bosses, co-workers, kids, jobs, and really,
our futures. Would you believe that a poor relationship with your boss
can lead to a 50% increase in heart disease?

We've all heard that the external world won't make us happy. We've also
seen studies that show more money has a minimal affect on happiness.
So, the big question is: just what is predictive of happiness? What
does make us happy?

In research conducted at Harvard University, Shawn Achor, a divinity
student turned "positive psychologist" found that many high-achieving
students weren't happy. They'd gotten into Harvard, but something was
amiss. Some 60% believed that the admissions office had made a mistake
and 80% reported depression -- this, after that glorious day of
receiving their acceptance letter in the mail.

What Achor found was that when our "mental construction" changes, we
may find ourselves in a state of stress, and that can reduce our
self-esteem and performance. For these Harvard students, their mental
construction -- the way they perceived the world and their role in it
-- changed dramatically when they went from being in the top 1% of
their high-school class to an environment so competitive they couldn't
think straight.

Their mental construction had changed.

And such changes happen to us every day -- a job we're not ready for or
a child who struggles with math, for instance. Here's the important
part: As parents or partners, we can help shape others' mental
construction and, therefore, their happiness.

How can we put positive psychology to work to improve our lives and the
lives of those around us? In this first of two columns, we'll focus on
those others around you. Next week, I'll share specific strategies that
you can employ in your own life to cope with negativity, whether your
own or brought on by the world in which we live.

1. Praise the process, not the result

As parents, managers or friends, we often focus on winning. "Great job.
You did it." But doesn't that create an environment that says you're
only successful or valuable if you win?

Achor says one way to overcome the letdown that can occur when a child
-- or anyone --fails is to praise the process. For instance, a parent
might say to a child: "I'm so proud of the effort you put into your
studies." The child's mental construction, then, becomes not just about
winning but the process of getting there -- and is rewarded for it. By
the way, Achor notes that one's GPA has zero correlation with
happiness.

2. Teach failure early

There's been a lot of talk lately about parents who coddle their kids
-- and later find they can't operate successfully in the real world,
sometimes without understanding why. Are we helping them by not letting
them fail?

Done right, failure can teach our kids success. Achor says that
children faced with failure will typically learn to get out of the
problem and that that very challenge can have a positive impact on
their mental construction.

Achor calls these safe failures because they're not so dramatic that
they lower your self-esteem, but enough to stretch you by 10% of that
"comfort zone" I talk about in my book. See the site.

3. Surround yourself with people

The power of a support system is critical, not just for others who will
endorse or validate who you are as a person, but because those people
can literally shape our physical health.

My last several columns talked about social networking. But social
networking can reduce the feeling of support unless you match it with a
certain amount of live contact. In fact, electronic communication like
email, Achor says, can be damaging because you get the content but not
the rapport.

When you hear the words "Florida," "bingo," and "Social Security," what
comes to mind? Retirees, right? A study cited by Achor found that when
people heard those words, it modified their mental construction --
which in this case actually led to a change in their posture and a
walking style common among older people.

4. Use positive emotional resources to solve problems

If your child is great at soccer but bad at math, what would you do? Take him off the soccer field until he gets his grades up?

What happens if you do? The child doesn't get the positive emotional
resources he or she gets through soccer. So, Achor said, rather than
punishing them and depleting them of the positive energy and
reinforcement from soccer, use it to your advantage. Challenge your
child to translate the joy of soccer to math.

One parent I know was reluctant to sign his 11-year-old up for junior
football out of concern for his grades. The result was 180 degrees
opposite -- the football gave him the sense of purpose and discipline
to actually improve his grades, despite the rigorous practice and game
schedule.

Happiness, while seeming so elusive in our stressed,
time-and-money-constrained lives, may not actually be so far off as we
think. Stay tuned for more on this rather happy topic.

Jennifer Openshaw, a nationally recognized entrepreneur and financial commentator, is author of "
The Millionaire Zone
." Through
SuperFutures.org
, she offers a youth leadership program at the United Nations. You can
find her on Facebook, Twitter @jopenshaw or email at
jennifer@familyfn.com